Becoming a parent was one of the best things I've ever done. When I was younger, I was afraid to have children for fear I'd repeat the same parenting mistakes my mother and father made. I don't mean not buying your child a trike for their first birthday but causing them the kind of pain that typically lingers into adulthood making for a cycle of dysfunction. I didn't have the worst childhood but I also didn't have the best.
I grew up feeling very unloved and spent many years of my childhood hurt, angry and resentful and very alone. The pain still exists and sometimes manifests it's way in how I deal with people. Even though I was well-traveled and well-educated but by the time I was 21, I was just an insecure little girl looking and wanting love in all the wrong places and wanting parents who weren't willing and/or capable to fulfill my emotional needs.
Now that I'm a parent to a child I am very careful to not the let cycle of dysfunction that existed in my childhood (and still exists in my family) continue. I want to show my daughter how much she's loved but not smother her to the point of usurping her ability and desire to learn, discover and explore on her own. She's not yet 3 but I do worry about subsconsciously being the kind of mother to her that I don't want to be.
Today, I had a lightbulb moment that some adults from abusive households never have...After coming home from a lunch date with my daughter, we listened to some music and danced in the living room. She came over to me and said, "hold my hand, mommy." I did. We danced and we laughed. I'm not sure what it was but in that moment I realized I am not my mother but the mother of my daughter. It's possible and probable to end a cycle of familial dysfunction.
I can't protect my daughter from all of the ills in life but I can give her, what I think, is the best give in life...loving parents.
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